Falling.
Flailing.
Time ticks by. The deadline after the deadline approaches but I am immobilized by the that word and feeling. Failing. And also exhausted, drained, depleted, demoralized, pointless, impossible.
None of those words motivate, encourage, propel forward. But they dance around in my head and bounce back and forth between my ears and heart.
Matthewbera says "Momma I miss you" "Momma I need you" "I need Momma" "Momma get up with me" "NO I WANT MOMMA, I NEED MOMMA" after 4 or 5 or more days of acquiescing I lay in bed and try to sleep through it, because I can tell sleep will help me chase away the words of failure, impossible.
I frequently get questions of how do you do it all, Grad school and parenting and freelance work. The answer is inevitably badly. I do each and everyone badly, not up to my standards. I practice failing and keeping going daily, then getting up and failing in new ways to my new lowered standards.
But this time I am really not sure how to put the next foot infront of the other. I have become immobilized by my feelings of failing.
I can't work on my school work, I can't work on my work, but now is the time.
Babybera sits on the floor squealing for me. The work waits to get done. In a few hours I will need to be 'present' with Matthewbera and I can't be present when I am stressed/overwhelmed/anxious. So he needs me, my time, my attention, my presence. None of which I seem able to give.
Just slog through, school will end in April. But those 6 months are a LONG time in the life of a 3 year old and a 5 month old. 6 months when their brains are developing, patterns are being set for a lifetime.... 6 months where then feel like shit, they miss me, I feel like shit, I feel like failure. We scream and cry and fail each other. Rinse and repeat.
And just slogging through with school.... the work barely gets done. Gets done late. Gets done shitty. Readings sit unread. I aim for the lowest grade I will still get credit for... and what do I learn, what skills do I pick up, what knowledge that will further me.... that I NEED to do the job I am doing all of this for?
Even if I focus on the end, the goal... there are skills and knowledge I need to pick up on the way. Otherwise 6 stressful months (plus all the ones before), 6 traumatic months for my children, the student loans that could buy a luxury car are for what?
I don't know what first step to even take. One foot infront of the other.... but where?
Flailing.
Falling.
Failing.
